Saturday, December 29, 2012

As her tepid hands raced their way around the keyboard, she realized she never before had felt so emotionless. It was almost as if she was part of the machine. Part of a machine. Waning thoughts as her cheeks went cold and her eyes started to close, she wanted to sleep there forever, for what better than a dream, to help her realize that fantasy was her only reality.
And she looked around, eyes closed, felt open as she listened to them talk around her. Her family, her friends, everyone who made her, was a stranger in that moment. In the moment of conformity. As she danced and laughed and smiled, she could see herself from a distance, she could see how fake it all was.
The tears don't fall like they used to. The slit of the blade doesn't feel the same. The waning of the moon doesn't make it feel like night, because for her night's the same as day.
Monotonous, like the waves. Monotonous,like the touch of his hands. But not in the good way.
Have you ever felt so comfortable in pain? Like it was a part of you, built into your system. And crying everyday felt like nothing, and imagining the past, present and futur as one big mellow blur, was only natural, and repeating the images of pain over and over in your mind, seemed like the only thing you could do.
They hate her because she's selfish, she hates herself even more than they could ever hate her. She's a victim of her friendships, a victim of fate, and a victim of society. She hates them too, could never look a person in the eye, 'it's too scary' she would say, what if I look them in the eye and they still hate me? After looking into my soul. It's too insulting isn't it? To have someone not care about you to your very core. She hates caring so much, emotions are the last thing she wants because they destroy her, they make her so hatable, they make her gullible too, and an open book.
Waking up in the morning, passionless, reasonless, and hopeless. Every day's without a purpose. Everyday's the same loneliness.
Scared of death and scared of life. She lives in between the two scars line her insides.
No one will ever understand how bad it gets.